kumru ACAROGLU

off my chest...probably the longest post ever

IAMX/3 April 2010/Babylon İstanbul

I have to write things down... I was a backstage guest at the IAMX show 3rd of April 2010 İstanbul/Babylon. It all started when I was listening to radio a few weeks ago and my ears picked one of the songs that played in the radio. I heavily find it very boring if a radio station constantly plays the same songs over and over again, day after day. So it was the same reaction when I heard the song by IAMX which you can guess, was “think of england”. So I decided to look for other songs on Grooveshark to know the band a little. If there were songs that not impress me with its lyrics or its music then I would tag the band as an “one hit wonder” (yes, I didn’t know the sneaker pimps past either).

Jon Harper & Roadies / Autographs on my letter to my Love

Listening to some songs, I felt a sudden shiver, and found out that there were emotions that I also wanted to express in my works. Later on I watched some videos too and I cannot deny the effect of the eccentric presentation of the band to the audience. So I started to be carried away listening to the songs one after another, and this wasn’t a good way to follow for me as I have not so happy past memories with Jeff Buckley’s music.

Jeff Buckley governed a period of my life with his voice, lyrics and tragedy. At that time I was very self abusive and hopeless about life, had failures in love life, was living alone in a city which I didn’t like, drinking on every occasion, angry with the world, and feeling miserable most of the time. So his delicacy made me feel my emotions deeper and deeper until I found myself listening to “dream brother” or “vancouver” again and again and crying alone at home. It took me quite a time to get over these feelings. When I found the love of my life, I promised that I would never let myself go deep that much again. I changed the city I lived in, changed my job. You know, my creativity went also directly into the garbage along with many other things... So IAMX has similar effects on my emotional self and I didn't want to experience the same things all over again.

After one week of my discovery of the band iamx, I had the news through a friend that they were coming to my city for a show in a week or so. You might guess I was enormously thrilled. But that feeling made feel bad and stupid. I wasn’t a fan, yet I was really eager to meet them, to talk to them about life, about emotions, about a creative life. But how would I be meeting them? I was thinking of asking for autographs and maybe that way we would end up talking. While I was thinking about these, there came a sudden fear of being misunderstood. I didn’t want to be a hysterical fan that blubbers and mumbles and talks nonsense. I gave up planning to talk to them, instead I decided to take photographs, at least one.

I asked this friend of mine if he could do it for me. He said he’d been in three other shows of iamx and there was no way of going backstage. And that made me furious! I hated the friend, the band, the show, myself, fans, hysterical girls, their music, again the band, that feeling of refusal and the band’s unreachable distance made me feel like a bug. I decided not to go to the show, then I changed my mind, then I changed my mind again, and again, and again..Then I found some links which were a way to contact the band’s crew for information. Asked them about the backstage rules, and a very helpful lady called Lisa told me that it was strictly forbidden to anyone to go backstage but sometimes they can let a few person in who promote the band’s show and succeed in doing so. Agreed! I did some promotional tours and started to wait just in case. In a week, out of the blue an answer came. It wasn’t 100% but there was a chance for me to go backstage, and a day later Lisa contacted me again telling that I was a backstage guest!!

Janine+Alberto+fan girl / Fan girl + Mr.Corner

for the little bit higher res pictures click here: Flickr/alexiacortez

Lisa asked me if I could find some mannequins for the shows. I made a little research and because I didn’t have enough time to go and buy them, I just could give her the information she needed, and she organized their own crew to supply the mannequins for the events. I would love to take part but unfortunately it was almost impossible. She said it was ok and thanked me for the help.

While, I was thinking would I be able to ask my questions? What would I ask? How would I behave? What would be appropriate to say or do?What ifs and hows, all started to poison my self confidence and I decided not to think and to be spontaneous. However my main wish was to give them something as a present, as a reminder of İstanbul, as a reminder of a good will from myself. Therefore I printed one of my latest illustrations as six different versions, to be choosed only one for each member of the band, plus one for the manager and one bonus for any of them. I made a gift wrap a pair of my handmade earrings for Janine in case she wore any earrings. And finally a bottle of home made wine for all. And I am not a fan either!

I met the manager of the band at the door of the venue. He thanked me for various reasons (eg for the mannequin info) and I went inside just to meet him again in an half an hour. I had to give the bottle of wine to him since it was forbidden to carry it inside the club. Meanwhile my anxiousness grew bigger. I felt myself like a teenager fan ready to scream when she sees her idol, you know, like teenage chicks screamed to Beatles, yet I am 30 years old, and also I don’t want to behave like that. Probably it’s the effect of going backstage for the first time in my life and trying to talk to english plays a big part.

The manager took us backstage for like ten minutes, and said that we should be very quick (there were two other fan girls). It was very confusing. Just as I entered backstage I gave the earrings to Janine who kindly accepted my gift. While other two girls were busy talking relatively to Mr.Corner and Alvarez (probably they were only interested in them) I couldn’t decide what to do. I am not a really extrovert person. And I cannot jump on a famous person even if it is allowed by others/themselves. So I chose to stand next to a wall next to drummer Jon and the roadies, watching and observing the atmosphere. After a pause I noticed that Mr.Corner was looking at me directly, then I realized I didn’t greet him at all. But he was taken by the fan girl, so I just made an attempt towards him, and we shook hands –only-Then I remembered time was running out and had to give my works. So with a little bit loud voice, I explained what were my presents to them. I didn’t know that there were two roadies. But luckily I had six print versions. I turned to the manager and said I was sorry to exclude him.

My six version illustrations

Later I kindly requested that all of them signed the end of my letter I wrote to my fianceé, and they kindly did it. And we took some pictures together, and I had some fun with the roadies and the drummer, made little jokes. One of the roadies, the mixer guy/sound engineer ( I am so sorry I didn’t ask his name) offered to give me the setlist after the show (which I didn’t know what it was or what use was it for until I googled it) I asked the manager about the mannequins and if they had hard time supplying them, and said that if they would be leaving them behind I was willing to take one, and if not it was ok. He asked Mr.Corner, and Mr Corner said he would be thinking about it. Than the manager said time was up, and I quickly made my way outside.

the band+me in front / The stage+the mannequins

Just in the middle of the show, Chris and Janine dismembered a mannequin and threw the parts to the audience. Chris threw a lot of other things too. People went crazy. Everybody was trying to touch him, trying to take a piece. I was at the balcony so I could watch all the hysteria from above. After the show ended, I visited the mixer guy. He handed me the setlist and thanked for the illustration. I went to see the manager who was very busy with one of the fangirl and tried to ask about the mannequin. He was rather careless and at the end he ditched me. So, to try my chance for a last time, I went next to Jon, the drummer who was packing up his drums, and asked him about the mannequins saying that I’d wish to have one, in case they would leave them behind and that we had this conversation with the manager just before the show. He went inside and came back telling me to wait for about twenty minutes.

Setlist/Earrings for Janine

Of course I waited, and at the end, about 3 Am he gave me the mannequin he picked, the one which was standing in the middle all through the show, and said “I asked Chris and he said it’s all yours”. I genuinely thanked Jon for showing me interest, because if it wasn’t for him probably I would never get such a trophy.

I genuinely thanked Lisa (the invisible lady) by email, for supporting me because if it wasn’t for her, probably I would never go backstage.

(I thank all the people who were with me with their body and soul all through this adventure)

Finally my new plastic friend